When Fights Turn Ugly
by HeyyBabyy
Summary: Cheesy! Cornball! The best read ever!


When Fights Get Ugly

**Author's note:** I'll make this brief. This story is just a one shot about a nice juicy catfight happening between the Hogwarts' people, (i.e. Harry, Hermione & Ron between Draco Malfoy and his butch assistant Pansy!) YAAAY DRAMA! ACTION! POSSIBLE IMPOSSIBLE RESULTS!

**Disclaimer:** Too bad I don't own Harry Potter; if I did the characters would do a lot more than just fighting Voldemort.

_Actual Story:_

It was a beautiful happy, happy day at Hogwarts. The lovely, lovely yellow sun was shining like a million burning phoenixes, and the birds were chirping their sweet, sweet songs! Oh! What a marvelous day! Perfect for spelunking!

Unfortunately, the sixth years' hormones had suddenly exploded that day. The girls were moody dragons, the boys… Well the boys were getting 'excited' at seeing all the _scantily_ clad girls in their bikinis! For you see, Hogwarts had decided to take advantage of this _wonderful_ day, and as a result, the students had rebelled against the strict robe policy in favour of mufti dress. It had taken hours, nay, days of ingenious planning to pull a whole school override like this.

It all began when the Wizarding Radio had announced the usually bright weather approaching. Harry Potter, the most alert boy in school had heard this announcement and decided that sunny days were too good to be wasted in _school robes_. As a result, the few days before were spent passing secret messages of the new 'Robe Rebellion' as it was affectionately named. To distract the teachers, Neville (yes, Neville) of Gryffindor had suggested creating the Dancematic spell.

This groovy invention when zapped on unsuspecting victims, (the teachers of Hogwarts,) would control their bodies to automatically dance till somebody figured out the counter-spell. The point of this evil spell? To distract the teachers while they were all sedated and dressed into 70s disco clothes and dumped at the nearest nightclub.

Such a perfectly ludicrously wonderful idea! Think of the embarrassing pictures! Think of the money Witch Weekly would pay for these pictures! Think of the potential blackmail!

So back to the present.

While the teachers were waking up in the middle of a Kylie Minogue concert, dressed in uncomfortable polyester clothes, wondering why they had such a huge hangovers...

The school had gone completely wild. Every girl, (excepting a few rebels of course,) dressed in their skankiest bikinis and sat by the lake hoping to attract _attention._ The _extremely macho_ boys decided to go _topless _(le scandal!) to try attract some 'sexual healing.'

Hermione, Harry and Ron the famous trio welcomed this day as a distraction from the Voldemort killing spree that was secretly being planned. They watched students basking in the sun. Everyone was frolicking near the lake, bitching about the controversial bikini sizes and 'GOOD GOD! IS THAT A STICK IN YOUR PANTS?'

The sixth years however, as mentioned earlier had a burst of hormones that year. Randomly, the whole of Hogwarts' sixth year started grouping themselves into their houses to play such dreaded games as 'Spin the Bottle' and 'Seven minutes in Heaven!'

The terrific trio joined in the festivities. All over the school, sixth years were making-out and doing a whole lot more. The percentage increase of making-out increased by 80.

Little did anyone know, everything was about to get a whole lot rockier.

Draco Malfoy welcomed the new freedom and commanded his Slytherin slaves to do his bidding.

The trio was walking past innocently, when quite purposefully, Draco Malfoy yelled out:

"Hey Granger! Hanging out with your Gryffindor bitches?"

The trio turned around stunned. Harry looked pissed. Ron looked furious at being called a bitch, and Hermione looked bored.

"You wanna start something punk?" droned Hermione casually. "Well bring it on, cunt." She waved her hands for effect.

A gathering crowd was stunned by her words. Nobody ever disrespected Malfoy like that. This could turn ugly.

"Funny that, I always thought you had several," spat Draco Malfoy back, rising from his deck chair.

"Big words for a _little _man," said Hermione, rolling her eyes for effect.

Several people blushed, after realizing her meaning.

"You know what Granger, that's why I just luuurve you!" replied Malfoy cheerfully,

He paused.

"Let's have a bite of your cherry?" added Malfoy teasingly.

With that remark, Hermione promptly throttled Malfoy and threw him into a crowd of admiring, drooling fans, who were not just girls, but several guys as well.

Days later, the teachers had recovered from post traumatic dancing to Kylie Minogue music (bleerrrgh, her music is so crap,) classes returned to normal.

The teachers were still highly strung and sensitive and constantly taking medication, delaying learning practices.

Draco Malfoy was thinking about Hermione Granger, not uncommon since their last encounter. He had decided to get to know her better, and try get a glimpse of that curvy butt.

However that weekend, the hugest clique fight in the history of Hogwarts was started.

Draco Malfoy was eating an ice cream sundae. The brightly coloured, poisonous looking cherry was poised on the top of a mountain of whipped cream. He ate the rest of the ice cream and licked the cherry. He had an idea. He boldly strode to the Gryffindor table, towards the trio, towards the suspicious Hermione.

"Whoopsy-Daisy!" exclaimed Draco as he dropped the cherry down an opening in her robe, "I'll get that!"

Appalled, Harry and Ron stood up and 'surrounded' Draco like a flock of angry chickens.

"Draco Malfoy, I didn't think you'd be such a sleaze. God, you're such a fucktard," drawled Hermione, surprisingly similar to Draco Malfoy's bored accent, "Don't you still remember the _pumpkin incident?_"

Yes, how could he forget?

It had only been a week ago and Hermione was sitting down under the magnificent oak tree near the lake, coincidentally Draco Malfoy was walking past and noticed how _appealing _Granger looked. He only had a quiz squiz….okay, maybe a long perve of her butt, when she turned around sharply and yelled obscene language at him. He wasn't paying attention and nodded and rolled his eyes, provoking her temper. So very calmly, Hermione summoned a pumpkin from Hagrid's hut, (which was at least 100m away!) and smashed it onto Draco's head. Luckily, it was a squishy pumpkin which resulted in Malfoy acquiring a bright pumpkin head. Hermione, exploiting his weakness started carving away at the pumpkin, until it had become a lopsided jack-o-lantern. She cast a gluing charm on his head, (a nifty trick she learned from Fred and George) and added a top hat to his ensemble. It was at least 13hours before anyone found the counter-spell, but by that time the whole school laughed till their stomachs burst open. Fortunately, nobody witnessed Hermione's part in the incident and she wasn't given a punishment, for lack of proof. That day, the trio had been given endless praise for her antic.

Malfoy started becoming really, really pissed. Pansy, his butch assistant and worshipper looked into his eye and saw a spark. The sort of spark before a tiger devours its prey.

He suddenly stepped towards the trio and with a flick of a wand, disarmed the trio. Surprised, they sprang into commando mode. They leaped toward the blondie and knocked the living daylights out of him. The teachers, trying to recover from their hangovers didn't notice. The blonde boy was surprisingly resistant and the attack only resulted in a mild bruise and all the wands being knocked out of his claw-like grasp.

Suddenly, the trio, Draco Malfoy, Pansy and a few other loyal Malfoy supporters lost their tempers. In a ramble of furious twisting and shouting they hurled themselves bodily at each other and began tearing at the other opponent like hysterical T-rexes.

The whole Great Hall shook with their thunderous fighting. All the houses stood up and gathered round like a campfire. Excited, the crowd shouted and placed bets. Gryffindor and Slytherin however had begun a cheering session. The seventh years lead their houses in cheers insulting the other's Mums, and hip-hip battles and such to determine the ultimate house.

The teachers were yawning and totally smashed.

Unexpectedly, Neville emerged from the Gryffindor ghetto and power radiated from his bulking form. He was dressed in a bandanna, converse, basketball clothes and all the bling. Everyone was **weirded out**. Neville, the ultimate legend? Nah.

A Slytherin named Wild Foxx stood up and shook hands with Neville. The atmosphere stopped. Even Draco Malfoy, his posse and the trio stopped to listen.

Someone started beat boxing and slowly Neville and Wild Foxx started break dancing slowly. The music got louder and louder, faster, faster! More urgent now they pulled the moves, until Ginny Weasley stood up, (as a result, chilling the blood of her older brother Ron,) and outstripped their skills with various fast, outrageous moves.

Squinting the tears out of his eyes, Wild Foxx left the arena, deflated. Fellow Slytherins were remarking on his skills, yet all described Ginny's feats in awe and majesty.

Meanwhile, the fight with the trio and Draco Malfoy's posse began for the second and final round. The trio were tired and plastered with various bruises and cuts. Draco Malfoy's posse was looking worse for wear. Someone had successfully broken Pansy's nose, yet despite the streaming blood, she fought like a madwomen. Draco'sgroup had been severely attacked, but they fought with stubborn determination.

The fight continued in a flurry of kicking, screaming and various wrestling moves. Everyone resumed their cheering for their 'teams' and started placing bets.

Aloud ripping noise echoed through the Hall. Was it the sound of Malfoy's chest being opened? Did someone die?

In actual fact, Hermione had found Malfoy's robe and ripped it apart in a moment of insanity. Everyone, including the remaining trio and Draco's posse turned and stared.

Hermione, her eyes, as wide and glazed as Krispy Kreme doughnuts bored into Draco eyes as she lay on his exposed chest. An eternity passed as the whole audience watched Draco lean forward and kiss Hermione tenderly. Another century passed and Malfoy roughened his kiss, and was trying to engage Hermione in his sudden change of motion.

Hermione leaned back and was registering her shock. Covered in bruises and cuts, the pair stopped their intimate display and sat up gingerly.

What had caused such a reaction in Malfoy, who started making the moves?

The fact was, when Draco saw Hermione in her fury, he took his chance to finally make his fantasy come alive. For a year or so, very sneakily Malfoy had taken every chance to see Hermione, after he realized he was attracted to her.

The teachers all suddenly realized their pupils were not attending classes. They stormed into the Hall to find the awkward scene. Gathering her fraying nerves, Professor McGonagall stiffened and roared:

"I am disappointedthat you of all people Hermione, would causesuch a scene! And taking advantage of the teacher's sudden weakness! REPORT TO HOUSE DORMORTRIES IMEDIANTLY!"

In a moment of ashamed guilt, the Hall filed out of the enormous room and into their respective houses.

When the whole of Gryffindor were waiting for McGonagall, she was being interrogated by Ginny, who she would only answer.

"That was smoldering! Was he a good kisser? Did he try to pull any moves? Did he get _excited_?" Hermione raised an eyebrow coyly.

Ginny gasped. That was their secret language talk for, _a nice experience._

"Great dancing Gin!" complimented Hermione after Ginny was calm.

Professor McGonagall entered with several bags under her sharp eyes.

Draco Malfoy was sitting in the Slytherin common room tuning out to the angry words of Professor Snape. He had finally experience his fantasy and thought about his irrational behavior. Right now he was regretting the hasty decision.

**Author's Note:** Liked it? Too bad, only one chapter. There are a few terms I didn't disclaim and bleh, so tell me. You can R&R, but essentially, you don't have to. Sorry if it was too long, got carried away….

Subliminal message: READ & REVIEW OR DIE


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